Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

The 6 types of sex

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.