Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reviewed some movies recently

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos