Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

Seductively sings in Klingon.

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING