me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Math at Halloween.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that