Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

repaired

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

u spoke cat all this time??????

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.