Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

I have many caverns

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here