me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.