me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
watergate? u mean a dam??
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
and now we wait