Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

Uh oh 👀

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes: