Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

How high do the levels go?

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.