me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste