Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

Stop making fast and furious movies.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”