me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
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And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”