Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest