Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

is this a threat

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.