Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%