Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

A game married people play.

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.