Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

The glory of fall.

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well