me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
You Might Also Like
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig