me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
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I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it