Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So Hamburger help me, God

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous