Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS!
Her: USE YOUR HANDS!
Me: *raises the roof*
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My neighbor is one leaf blower away from being on a missing persons photo.
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
ME: Why are you leaving?
WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago
ME: Manhasset been that long?
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Him-You have the most beautiful lips.
Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.