Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

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[having sex]



Me: *raises the roof*


whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person


I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.


6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.


My neighbor is one leaf blower away from being on a missing persons photo.


[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?


who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure


ME: Why are you leaving?

WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago

ME: Manhasset been that long?


Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.


Him-You have the most beautiful lips.

Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
Thank you.