Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…