Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Roombas should bark
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
this will hang in the louvre one day
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”