Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Happy Star Wars day!
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
Donkey Kong sommelier
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”