Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
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[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.