Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it