Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
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Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…