@shkeeber

Me: *applies temporary tattoos*

Mom: Unicorn tats?

Me: I’m in a gang.

Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank?

Me: You just made a powerful enemy.

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@NewDadNotes

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

@stevevsninjas

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

@LuvPug

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

@david8hughes

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

@itsallbollocks

Cinderella’s my favourite story about a kingdom where no two people have the same size foot

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

@fro_vo

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

@Beatonm5

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

@UncleDuke1969

“My God, George… your face!”
“Oh no…”
“What’s happening?!?”
“Is there a full moon tonight?”
“What are you talking a-“
“You have to get away from me.”
“I don’t understand!”
“JUST RUN HORACE… RUN!!”