Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Me: *applies temporary tattoos*
Mom: Unicorn tats?
Me: I’m in a gang.
Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank?
Me: You just made a powerful enemy.
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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Cinderella’s my favourite story about a kingdom where no two people have the same size foot
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
“My God, George… your face!”
“Is there a full moon tonight?”
“What are you talking a-“
“You have to get away from me.”
“I don’t understand!”
“JUST RUN HORACE… RUN!!”
My dress code is business-casualty.