me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
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My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.