me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
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Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.