Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I’ve been drinking.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
is nasa ok
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
