Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.