Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
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if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
what
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.