Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub