Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
You Might Also Like
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Well, this certainly took a turn
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*3.5 thank you very much.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.