They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
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Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*