me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
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Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.