Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.