Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.