Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.