Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
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*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
What flavor cupcake are these
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.