Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

me after drinking all the wine:

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.