me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
You Might Also Like
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.