me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
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customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I’ve been drinking.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio