Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
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Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
bro what is going on at twitter
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”