Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
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inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.