Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
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[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
they really wanted me dead for this
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.