Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
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So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo