Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.