Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity