Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

When someone trying to leave me

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

me doing my best

The Birdles

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.