Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

Rare photo of two submarines racing

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

lol

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.