me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
You Might Also Like
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!