Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

May your day taste like creamy soup.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

When I said I liked it rough.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Welcome

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”