Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.