Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

They’re called werewolves.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book