ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
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AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
you’re not fooling anyone
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it