me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
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boat question
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
🎵 I can’t wait to
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no