me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
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You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*