Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Overindulged this afternoon.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

The pen is writier than the sword.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

I cannot call her anything else now

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.