me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
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I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
never compromise your values
