me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My Sentiments Exactly
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Very good news from my accountant
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
