Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
You Might Also Like
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe