Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes