Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
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People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.