Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
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[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Quadruple digit IQ
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face