Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils