Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Catering service
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*