Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

Teach your children to beatbox

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.